Yesterday morning was a time for reflection.
As I sat alone (well Eddie was there but he was sleeping) in a field at 6 a.m., waiting for the hot air balloon festival to begin, I began to think. I began to reflect back on all my past hot air balloon festivals- and where I was in my life.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing… (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)”
Rewind three years and I was standing in a field with a boy that I had a huge crush on. I was trying my hardest to be cool, fun and look “on point” the entire time. I didn’t know if it was a date… truthfully I still don’t. However, I was lonely and I wanted more than anything for him to like me back. During this season of my life I was insecure and felt unwanted. At this point in my life, I felt that I needed a boy to make me worthy.
Fast forward to last year. I was exploring the balloon festival with my favorite neighbors. We stood inside of a hot air balloon while it blew up. We ate French fries, laughed and had the most wonderful time. This season was completely different… in many ways, I had closed myself off. I was killing it at my internship, had a ton of friends, loved life, had sworn off boys and had a very distinct plan for my future. I would graduate, move to London, work in Marketing, travel Europe and NEVER get married.
As I thought back on these past few years I realized, while I’ve always been a big planner… maybe that’s not always such a good thing. The bible talks about God’s timing. When was the last time I sat back and watched his plans unfold? I’m always 3 steps ahead- planning next year, my 25th birthday and my future kid’s bedrooms. I’m not living in the present.
I spent so much time growing up worrying about being single. So much, in fact, that I felt I needed a boyfriend to make me normal, whole and happy. Now here, years later, I’m with the most amazing man. The complete love of my life.
So where am I in life now? I have all these beautiful friends, who have all moved around the world. I have a fabulous apartment, but look forward to moving into a house…. it’s never enough. I’m always moving onto the next thing. While goals are good and planning is good, are my plans and God’s plans aligning?
James 4:13-15 says “Come now, you who say “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit” – yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”
During this season of my life where I don’t know where I will be in 2 years. I don’t know when I will see my friends again and I am still learning how to adult… I am going to start focusing on the now. I’m not saying I won’t plan, I think you have to set goals in life, but I will plan with the hope that it is in God’s will.
And if it isn’t, I’ll trust he has something better in store for me.
I mean, the Hot Air Balloon guy didn’t work, but two years later God brought me Sam and now I’m living on cloud nine.